- Arizona Cardinals: They got a man named Early Doucet in the third round. That is an awesome steal, as that is a first-round name.
Z for Zoinks! What A Name Scoob!
- Atlanta Falcons: They got 7 players, which really helps to address their biggest concern which is everything.
U for Unable To Move Quickly Enough Beyond Michael Vick
- Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens managed to snag the best giant Delawarian on the board in Joe Flacco. You have to give them points for that, but you also have to take them away because it is Joe Flacco, perhaps the most over-rated small school QB in the last 10 years.
Y for Year Of Delawarian Domination
- Buffalo Bills: They got perhaps the best cover corner in the draft, which should help limit to Patriots to only 30 point wins over them for years to come.
C for Covering The 27-Point Spread
- Carolina Panthers: The big cats traded a bunch of picks to get a tackle named Otah. I think it's a move that had to be made as the Panthers have been searching for a franchise Otah for some time, and they don't come around very often.
F for Finally A Franchise Otah!
- Chicago Bears: At least they are set at quarterback and didn't have to worry about it by drafting one of the 10 or so decent ones here. Oh, that's right, they aren't set at quarterback. Massive failure Bears, massive failure.
O for Oops, We Forgot About Rex Grossman
- Cincinnati Bengals: We'll have to wait and see how this draft class pans out for the Bengals in 5 years or so. We can do that by checking the roster of the flag football team at the Ohio State Prison after that time. They have some real potential in Pat Sims and Anthony Collins.
P for Prison Possibly Awaits
- Cleveland Browns: They traded away most of this draft for other players, which is probably a good thing considering how their drafts in the past have turned out.
S for Still Waiting To See If They Are As Good As People Think
- Dallas Cowboys: They got two good players in the first round, plus they landed the only active player with a video game nickname in Pacman Jones. In case anyone else hadn't heard, Q-Bert Rogers and Burgertime McDougal were waived last week by Detroit.
V for Vendetta Is A Great Movie
- Denver Broncos: They got a bunch of new players, which is great as anyone else has to be better than the players they currently have.
A for Any Pick Is A Good Pick
- Detroit Lions: They picked the runningback who almost broke Barry Sanders single season rushing mark last year at UCF. They got him so they can, of course, kill him and protect the record of the only good player they have ever had.
P for Pre-meditated Murder
- Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers era in Green Bay begins with them drafting a player who is probably better than he is. No doubt there were things said like "Curses!" and "Drats!" in the Rodgers home on Saturday, followed by a twirling of his waxed mustache.
C for Confidence In Your New QB
- Houston Texans: Could the Texans have actually made some solid picks to give them a chance at overtaking the Titans, Colts, and Jaguars to become a real contender? No, I don't think so either.
S for Sorry You Guys Got Such A Shitty Division
- Indianapolis Colts: They offered to just skip the draft, as there is nothing they really need, but the NFL made them show up anyway. For just picking names that will sound cool when the players say them during the offense/defense introductions when they are on TV, they did pretty darn well
D for Does It Really Matter, We're Always Good
- Jacksonville Jaguars: There was talk they might trade to get Jason Taylor from Miami, but then they saw his dreadful foxtrot this week on Dancing With The Stars. Taylor is finished if he can't execute a simple spinning two-step, said their head scout. Good move in staying away.
J for John Lithgow, Hater Of Dance
- Kansas City Chiefs: They got what many thought was the best defensive player in the draft, Glenn Dorsey the big tackle from LSU. But do you even really need a defense when playing division opponents like Oakland and Denver? A big empty field is all you need to thwart their attacks.
U for Unnecessary
- Miami Dolphins: According to this picture, their new quarterback will apparently be wearing formal clothes under his uniform. I don't know if that will help or not, but they will look a lot more dignified as they lose every week.
F for Fancy
- Minnesota Vikings: They got the dumbest quarterback since Terry Bradshaw in USC's John David Booty. But that didn't stop him from winning 4 Super Bowls, having a long broadcasting career, and making tons of assinine 10-10 phone number commercials. Maybe it won't be so bad.
D for Dum Dums
- New England Patriots: They got a great linebacker in the first round to help phase out one of their aging stars, which should help a lot. They also got a QB in the third round, which should finally help them stabilize themselves at that position. If they only had a franchise passer, they could have won 3 or 4 Super Bowls by now.
W for We All Hate You Patriots
- New Orleans Saints: They drafted a big DT in Sedrick Ellis who can really play some defense. The Saints are hoping he can show the rest of their defensive players just how it's actually done.
H for Hey, That's How You Tackle A Guy
- New York Giants: They got a steal in Michigan receiver Mario Manningham during the third round. If only his team didn't play against college defensive powerhouse Appalachian State, he might have had some better numbers. Luckily there are no Appalachian-quality athletes in the NFL to stop him now.
Y for You Lose To Appalachian State, You Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play Football Anymore
- New York Jets: Well, at least they won't have the same team as last year. That's all you can really say to yourself every year as a Jets fan. You can also spell the word Jets to yourself and then say the word three times like you are in a retarded middle-aged spelling bee.
T for The Most Stupid Cheer In History
- Oakland Raiders: Darren McFadden was the loser of the Who Goes To Oakland Lottery. Sorry buddy, I know it's tough. P for Poor Darren
- Philadelphia Eagles: They traded their first round pick again for the second year in a row, but they managed to get some nice players anyway. There were some players they liked, but Andy Reid just likes screwing up Mel Kiper's Big Board.
T for Take That You Permed Bastard
- Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers picked up Limas Sweed in the second round. If he's anything like the real Swedish, he's going to be awesome. And he's going to make some awesome chocolate.
S for Swedish Chocolate
- St. Louis Rams: They picked up Howie Long's kid to try and keep that defense as fierce as it has been over the past several years. Only time will tell if it is as fierce as the witty zingers his father slings at the crew of FOX NFL Sunday. They can only hope.
R for Really? You Aren't Tired Of Madden Impersonations Yet?
- San Francisco 49ers: None of their picks answered their phones when they saw "San Francisco 49ers" on the caller ID. They managed to trick Kentwan Balmer into picking up when they used a stranger's cellphone, but he hung up as soon as he realized the ruse.
C for Crap, None Of Our Picks Seem To Be Home
- S for Seattle Seahawks: Well, in that division they could pick a pots and pans set in the first round and still be very competitive for many years.
H for Haha, We Get To Play In The NFC West
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers: They got another player named Dexter Jackson, who was their Super Bowl MVP when they won it a couple of years back. Hopefullyhe can bring them back to the good old days when they wore a blinding orange and were represented by a mustached man with a knife in his mouth.
P for Pimp-Like Helmet Pirate
- Tennessee Titans: Well, they needed a receiver for Vince Young and they got...a runningback? Another year of running for your life and hoping someone accidentally gets open Vince. Good luck.
B for Boobs
- Washington Redskins: They made it through a draft without trading a bunch of picks for over-priced old free agents. Well done Redskins, well done.
M for Maybe Learning From Past Mistakes -
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