Vengeance

The Chicago Bulls won yesterday's draft lottery with only a 1.7% chance to take home the top pick. The Miami Heat, who had the worst record and a 25% chance at the top spot, ended up second and the Timberwolves third. It's a big win for the Bulls, a poor team from Chicago who's spent most of its existence after Michael Jordan working at a wood processing plant. "Well, things haven't been too good for us lately," said GM John Paxson. "Money has been real tough to come by here. We stopped being able to play basketball games and have had to put the boys to work in the factory. But hopefully this lottery win is going to turn some things around. I'm just so excited, I may buy us all a team car to ride around in, instead of having to take the bus."

Paxson vowed that having all the lottery winnings will not change who his team is. "We're still going to be the same old post-Jordan Bulls, I promise you that. No amount of good players is going to turn us into a championship contender, that's for sure. We're going to still perenially underachieve despite being in a weak conference." Old relatives who haven't talked to the team in years are now coming out of the woodwork to get reacquainted. Uncle Scottie Pippen gave Paxson a call yesterday to talk about the good old times, and to tell him about his gambling and heroin addictions he could use some monetary help with.

The Chicago players are also ecstatic to get the chance to play with some of the outstanding college talent. "I hear they have some of the best players in the world in the college system," said Kirk Hinrich. "It's going to be an honor to share the floor with some of them. Hopefully they can show us a thing or two about how this game is played at the highest levels."

SportsComedian.com

Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett called a press conference today to announce that Ray Allen has split from the Big Three due to "creative differences". After averaging 17 points per game during the regular season, Allen has been largely absent in the playoffs with around only 9 points per game. He has missed 20 of 24 3-point shots, and been more of a detriment to the team in the playoffs than a help. Garnett and Pierce will still be called The Big Three even though there is only two of them, because people already know the name and will hopefully continue buying Big Three merchandise.

"We are still going to have the same look and feel as the old Big Three," said Pierce. "I have agreed to pick up the points that were previously being scored by Ray, and as you can see from last night that's going pretty well. He just wasn't contributing to the vision we had in our heads for The Big Three. We envisioned him giving us the same 17 per game he always had, but he insisted on doing something artsy in the single digits. He said we just didn't get what he was trying to do with his game, and we'll admit we had no idea."

Allen has vowed to not let this deter him from his efforts to expand his game beyond what it was. "People are getting bored with that same old Big Three play they've been watching for months," said an angry Allen. "I was trying to put something new out there, something innovative. Maybe there can be a member of the Big Three who isn't very good, or who turns the ball over repeatedly to keep the game close. I was doing some experimental stuff out there, and they just didn't get it. But I have some cool stuff planned for the next round in my solo debut effort. I'm going to put out some basketball play that people haven't seen before, maybe a 3.5 point shot. A lot of people are asking how that's going to happen. Well, you'll just have to stay tuned to find out."

Interest in a Ray Allen solo effort has not been very good among fans, with many people claiming The Big Three will not be able to capture the Magic of their original productions. "I used to be a big fan of The Big Three earlier in the season," said young fan Jim Lovre. "But now their play just seems so corporate. I liked it a lot more back when they were all indie and rebel."

SportsComedian.com

Alex Rodriguez is expected to return to the New York Yankees on Tuesday after missing much of the early part of the season with a quad injury. Doctors have advised him that returning so soon could put him at risk to re-aggravate the injury, but A-Rod is anxious to get back and help the team. "Well, I've been a part of so many disappointing teams here in the past, but this one looks like it may just be the most disappointing," Rodriguez said. "I'm excited to get out there again and help crush the dreams of the overbearing New York fans. What better way to do that than for the highest paid player in baseball to be a part of the last place team? For too long I've been alone out there playing way below expectations, especially in the clutch. But now everyone is doing their part, it's very exciting."

It's believed Yankee fans have long expected too much of their team, and this season filled with young pitching should have been looked at as a rebuilding effort. "I don't know about that, I don't think we're a particularly overly demanding bunch," said Pat Holm, a long-time fan of the Bronx Bombers. "They be going through a rough patch right now that none of us expected, sure. But with A-Rod coming back tomorrow, I don't see any reason that they can't win out the rest of the season and finish with 130 or so wins. That seems entirely reasonable, and I'm going to freak out on message boards and sports talk radio if it doesn't happen."

Many sports pundits are not putting much faith in the ability of the team to reach the 130 win plateau that most of the fans are looking for. But they are certain that if it doesn't happen, there will be a lot of angry grumbling from Hank Steinbrenner.

SportsComedian.com

Barry Bonds had 15 felony counts levied against him today by a grand jury for lying about using performing enhancing drugs during an investigation in 2003. There are 14 counts of lying under oath and one of obstruction of justice. Because Bonds has been unable to find a team to play for so far this year, and will be strapped for money following a long legal battle, he will be appearing on a new FOX reality show this summer called Full Counts.

Barry will be living in a house in Malibu with 15 of the most popular Counts from pop culture and around the world, looking for true love. Some of the celebrity Counts appearing on the show will be Count Dracula, The Count From Sesame Street, Count Dooku, and Count Chocula. They will go up against everyday Counts like Count Vanderflan of Italy and Count Bernoch of Germany. Bonds must chose one of them to be eliminated each week by giving them the dreaded tainted syringe.

"I'm just very excited about the opportunity to finally find a soul mate," said The Count in an pre-show interview with FOX. "I've spent my whole life counting things for kids, it's hard to find the time to date. Also, the fact that I'm a purple puppet doesn't help things much. Women just don't find felt attractive. And the puppeteer who operates me said he doesn't want anyone trying to have sex with the hole he has to stick his hand up every day. But, he has agreed to allow whatever happens with Barry to just happen, he'll pull his arm out or try to make some room in there. It's all very exciting, but probably not so much for him."

Count Chocula has said that this show will give him a chance to try something new. "It's been a rough life for me, I'm going to be honest. I come around on store shelves for only one month every year, and people see me sort of as this joke cereal. That *ssh*le Cheerios once threw me off the shelf at the store and then spit in my face. He said it was his aisle, and pretenders like me should get the f*ck out. That hurts. Right in my delicious chocolate marshmallow heart. Hopefully I can prove with this show that I matter as part of your balanced breakfast."

Barry Bonds is said to be in quite a depression about having to do the show for money, and indeed the first preview episode we were allowed to view showed an even angrier than normal Bonds. When he gave the first tainted syringe to Count Yurchickens at the end, he ripped into the Count for being nothing more than a lame pun. The other Counts had to console Yurchickens while he wept and collected his things to leave the mansion. It's unknown if this show will prove a ratings winner for FOX, but the prospect of seeing Bonds get romantic with a puppet, vampire, Star Wars character, and German noble certainly peaks our interest.

<