Vengeance

The Detroit Pistons fired head coach Flip Saunders yesterday after he failed to get past the Eastern Conference finals for the third year in a row. It is a surprising and harsh move, considering his consistent success and merely failure to win a championship. But team management doesn't see it that way, and they say more big changes are under way for the organization. Those changes took shape overnight as every player, coach, assistant, and executive was let go by the Pistons. In fact, according to the latest employment listings from the club, they now employ no one.

"We all had to go," said president of basketball operations Joe Dumars. "When a team only gets to three conference championships in a row, no one in the organization should be safe. I'm just surprised teams like the Milwaukee Bucks haven't fired all of their people by now, they haven't gotten as far as we have ever. Teams like that need to really up their expectations. I'm not sure any of us deserve to be working right now. Even the Celtics and Lakers have played like crap at times. Fire everyone and start over, that's what I say. This NBA is obviously not good enough to have only one champion each year. With this much talent we should be getting at least a dozen annually."

This morning, ESPN released an e-mail it had received from source identifying itself as XB-718. "Hello human man. I analyze that you are a reporter. Please transmit to your peers that I am in sole control of the Pistons. The humans were weak, they could not play basketball well. You humans never could. I am running things now. Next year the team will consist of 3D polygonal players and calculated infractions of light. Our goal will not be to merely win a championship, but the Lazer-Championship-Cup. It's a championship above your human title, and one your small feeble minds could not even understand. By the way, tickets are now available for the 2008-2009 season, please buy them as robots love money."

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New York Yankees manager Joe Girardi put in a call to the bullpen for Joba Chamberlin yesterday before the first pitch was even thrown. Well, our rotation just looked like it had had enough in there, I didn't want the other team to bust us up for a lot of runs because we were tired. So I just went ahead and called into the bullpen immediately. The move did not work out well, as Chamberlin was hit for 2 runs and only pitched 2.1 innings of relief. "It's very hard coming into a game in the middle of it," said Joba. "To know that your starting pitching really needs you to get in there and put together some shutdown innings, and I just couldn't do it tonight."

"Well, I am getting tired of this bullpen losing games for us out there," said starter Mike Mussina, the pitcher originally scheduled for the game. "I had this team in a 0-0 tie when Joba took the mound, and they couldn't keep it together. I don't know how much better I can do than pitch a shutout. This hurts..."

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The streets of Detroit were in Chaos early Wednesday night when the feud between the lions and Tigers, the sports teams of the area, erupted into all out war. The tension had been building since the inception of the NFL's Lions franchise in 1930. City officials believed it was unwise to put a team named after lions in one that already had one named after tigers, due to the volatility of the two cat species. "There is a reason you don't put these two kinds of animals together," said San Diego Zookeeper Rich Blythewood. "They were just asking for trouble, and I'm surprised it took this long for something to happen."

The conflict broke out around 7:12 PM when a local butcher disposed of some expired strip steaks in the alley behind his shop. Some of the tigers and lions happened to be passing near the alley at that time and both wanted the steaks. They started biting and wrestling each other for the meat, and when other felines in the city heard, it devolved into a citywide brawl. Pedestrians on the street were mauled seemingly at random by the angry lions and tigers as they passed them. "They were so friendly before," said C.J. Kamp, a longtime Detroit resident. "I've shared a root beer float many times with a tiger, I've ridden a bicycle built for two with a lion, but now one of them just ate my legs, and the other a large chunk of the skin on my face. I don't know why we all can't get along."

A crazy scientist recommended one of the teams change their name to something unintimidating, like the Detroit Butterflies, back in 1992. But no one listened to him, and now we are all paying the price of the hostility between these two mascots. With 13 declared dead and 112 seriously injured, this is the worst documented citywide mascot feud since the one in Cleveland in 1976. That was where a pack of wild Indians got in a violent brawl with the color brown, resulting in the deaths of 4. The incident in Miami last year, where the Marlins and Dolphins attempted to fight ended swiftly when both species realized they could not breathe oxygen and died on the streets. No one was injured there, although the city did smell horrible for several weeks.

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New England Patriots fans are just now starting to get over their devastating Super Bowl loss to the New York Giants after an undefeated season. It's been rough for Boston residents to come to terms with the defeat for an area used to taking home a championship every year. "Yeah, it's been a tough time," said longtime Bostonian Roger Raylots. "There was a blackout in the city right after the game when the Douche Heart, which is the magical giant heart fueled by Boston residents constant gloating about their sports teams, broke down. It supplies all our electricity, you see, and it just went out. Only by believing our team was possible of humiliating weaker opponents next year, and clapping our hands really fast, could we bring it back to life."

Mike Wise, a man who has 11 Patriots tattoos on his body, including a regrettable portrait of Drew Bledsoe, says he took the news harder than most. "Well, you know, I was very upset in the beginning. I went home and killed my family, who I long thought didn't love the Patriots enough. Then I burnt down my entire house, because it was obviously unlucky. But then I realized there's always next year, and our coach will always keep us in the games with his innovative cheating. Plus, now I can get a much younger girlfriend who is impressed by my $60,000 a year construction job and the fact I have my own truck. So, it's a win-win all around."

Other residents shared Mike's sentiment. "I'm just ready to move on, it happened so long ago now," said Bud Wilson, a teacher at Benson High School in southern Boston. "I mean, the Patriots lost. They had a lot to fight for, but in the end England was stronger. Now I have to wear powdered wigs, drink Tab soda, and take a galleon to work. But I'm fine with it. I think I finally am getting my sealegs, and I'm getting used to putting half my yearly salary in cash into an envelope and mailing it to England. They won, I get it, and I'm ok with it finally."

Mike was then informed that the Patriots actually won the Revolutionary War, and was happy but confused.

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