Vengeance

Struggling Tampa Bay Shortstop Jason Bartlett finished last night's game 0 for 3, but apparently landed a triple that night which didn't show up on the box score the next morning. After having been shut down on 2 consecutive dates with Jodie, a new girl he met at a bar in Clearwater Florida, he finally was able to get on base with a heck of a play late in the evening. The night began with a pre-game show of dinner and a movie. Bartlett attempted to get on base at both locations, but was unable to even get to 1st base with her. At the movies, during a lull in the action of the film, Bartlett made a move to attempt a kiss, but she threw a wicked curveball and put the soft drink they were sharing in front of her face to send him striking out and hitless in the series.

But things changed in the bottom of the ninth when Jodie's roommate Nicole, who had been a dominant shutdown closer and prevented Bartlett from ever coming in the apartment, was out with a case of visiting her parents. Bartlett was able to make a play against Jodie's league-worst defense at the door and hit a single with a quick kiss on the lips. But having been in a slump the last several games, he did not stop there and pushed her in the door, onto the couch, and made a play for second base. The defense, having realized he was trying to stretch the single out, attempted to get the put out at second, but their outfield arms are notoriously weak.

As he slid his hand onto second base just slightly ahead of the tag Bartlett realized he had to seize this opportunity to make some sound baserunning decisions if he hoped to hit a home run tonight. On the first pitch he made a wild steal attempt for third base, and Jodie's throw to stop him was offline, resulting in a clean steal of third. She was really kicking herself now after promising she would not allow any guy to get this far, so soon after she was lit up for 8 earned runs in an appearance a couple of weeks ago.

Things were tense with Bartlett on third base, with a real chance to score. But then he attempted a strange squeeze bunt, which was ineffectively delivered, and he was then caught between third and home in an awkward rundown situation. He attempted to run her over at the plate and score the run, but she managed to hold on to the balls until he was called out by the umpire.

Overall it was an inspiring effort from Bartlett and may be a sign he is about to turn things around on his dating season.

SportsComedian.com

An Illinois federal judge has ruled that the Chicago Bears are legally allowed to terminate the employment of Cedric Benson based on his drunk driving and boating charges. Benson had challenged the team's termination of his contract after two DUI arrests in a month's time. The judge also informed the Bears organization that they are allowed by law to feed him to actual bears in front of the public. Apparently it's a law put on the books by the founders of Illinois who heard about a similar law that originated from the ancient Roman Empire. It stated that any gladiators who were convicted of multiple driving a chariot while under the influence of wine, or 2 DACWHUTIOW's, could be fed to bears, Lions, or other vicious animals at the Emperor's choosing in a public forum.

The Chicago Bears organization have announced the ceremony will take place this Saturday at the Chicago Zoo where they will lower Benson into the black bear pit at noon eastern time. He will be basted in a combination of sheep's blood and barbeque sauce before the feeding, and his remains may or may not be cooked and served for lunch depending on how much of him is left afterwards. Animal rights groups are protesting the event, claiming the feeding will no doubt lead to intoxication of the animals due to the usually high blood-alcohol content of Benson.

But most local residents are excited about the opportunity to watch someone, whom they have all hated over the past three seasons for being such a huge bust, be eaten alive by bears. "It's gonna be quite an event," said local Gabe Byrd. "I'm bringing my 2-year-old son to the feeding. It's going to be his first time watching a man get mauled to death by an animal. Wow, I still remember my first time, it's something I consider special to this very day. I made my whole family "I Saw The Bear Eat Benson" t-shirts that we can wear to the event. It's gonna be very cool, and they even said we may get to eat a cooked piece of him afterwards. I hope I can get a piece of his 3.6 yard per carry legs, they sure couldn't do much powering past the line, so I bet that meat is real tender."

SportsComedian.com

Ken Griffey Jr. hit his 600th home run last night in a game against the Florida Marlins last night in a game the Cincinnati Reds won 9-3. But it wasn't all smiles in the Cincinnati box as ownership realized that fans coming out to every game in hopes of seeing him hit the historic home run would now be gone. They will now be forced to rely on their actual fans for attendance. "Thanks to this idiot Griffey we are now entering one of the darkest eras for this franchise," said team president Robert Castellini. "There was one reason, and one reason only people were coming out to see our awful team, and that was the hope of seeing him hit this ball. Now, because he's such a selfish arrogant jerk he has ended our hopes of having anyone come out to see us."

There was hope Griffey could keep the home run suspense up all season, as he had only hit 2 homers in the past 45 days. But that hope was dashed Monday when he sent a 3-1 pitch over the wall off of Mark Hendrickson. His teammates were also feeling slighted by the act. "How dare he," said rookie Jay Bruce. "Who does he think he is destroying our season like that? We had one thing to look forward to this year, and that was it. Now we just go back to playing baseball in front of an empty stadium? People in Cincinnati barely remember the team is here, most think it was contracted back in the 90's. My mom would be ashamed if she knew I played for this team, so I just tell her I have a job she can be proud of, like crack dealer." Indeed, most people do not even know the Cincinnati Reds are still a team. Many believe The Great American Ballpark is a giant baseball theme restaurant.

SportsComedian.com

Paul Pierce made a dramatic return in the third quarter of game one of the NBA Finals to lead the Boston Celtics to a big victory over the Los Angeles