Vengeance

Just days after his heroic triumph at the U.S. Open, overcoming the pain of a brutal knee injury to win in 91 holes of golf, Tiger Woods was again battling for another victory. This win came at a Santa Monica area Starbucks where Woods showed up early in the morning following his announcement that he would need season-ending knee surgery, where Tiger was after a frappucino. When he came in, the capacity crowd of 23 all were wondering whether Tiger possessed the mettle necessary to overcome the knee and make a successful drink order. His dedication to getting the frozen coffee beverage was put to the test early on, as he stood behind a line of 5 other patrons, including one who had a complicated order for the whole office that took about 15 minutes to fill. We've all seen lesser men simply walk out when faced with such a daunting line, and those are men without horrific injuries.

But Tiger kept it together, vowing to himself that nothing would stand in his way of getting a caramel mocha frappucino. When he got to the counter, it was obvious that he was in some pain as he limped up to talk to the barista. The crowd erupted when not only did he order a frappucino, but a venti frappucino, which is the largest size in the crazy made-up Starbuckian language. A lesser golfer would have been content there, but Woods even added whipped cream to the top of his beverage, adding a brutal .12 ouncesof extra weight. When you are battling a knee problem, every little bit just adds on to the pain.

After receiving his drink the real test of his resolve was on, as he made his way to the condiment counter where he twisted and contorted his body to grab sugar and sweetener. His face grimaced as he bent for some half and half, and everyone could see the torque being put on the knee. But in the end he was able to walk out of that Starbucks with the beverage of his choice, a true testament toall athletes who rise above their own pain to perform for the fans. It may just be the greatest drink order of hil illustrious career.

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 The Mets held off their press conference to announce the firing of Willie Randolph until 3:00 am eastern time, which confused many people around the country. But as everyone knows, most Mets fans come from Tajikistan, where the announcement was made during prime time. The press conference interrupted prime time shows like the medical drama "Happy Happy Rabbit Explosion!" and "Exceptional Star Girls Beautiful", a sitcom about a black family. But the Tajiki people are avid Mets fans, as evidenced by the fact that David Wright finished second in the Prime Minister voting last year, as a write-in candidate. The government declared today a national day of mourning to remember the coach who almost got the Mets to the 2006 World Series before losing to a hot but dreadful Cardinals team.

The streets of Tajiki capital Dushanbe were abuzz with talk about who would be the next Mets skipper while those of us back in the States were still sleeping. "I think I have a good chance at being the next Mets manager," said Yahyo Oqilov, a customer service representative for several American companies. "I don't have any knowledge of baseball, but seemingly neither did Willie Randolph. Most of my experience comes from telling frustrated Americans to unplug their modems and then plug them back in, or that they'll have to send their device in for service. But I think I'm more than qualified to run the great Mets ship."

Mets GM Omar Minaya says the move needed to happen at that time to appeal to their biggest fanbase. "We had to give this news to the Tajiki people first, and that's why we spoke the entire time in Tajikiese. Who cares if it isn't good television here, those people have declared their national flower and national bird the Met. It doesn't even make sense, but it's a great sign of respect. Without their enormous buys of our officially licensed merchandise we would never be able to afford this $120 million payroll which we have used to build an amazing 6 game lead on the tough Washington Nationals. So now hopefully our unsure and short-lived interim manager Charlie Manuel will be able to right the ship and get us out of 4th place. Interim managers always fare very well in times like these."

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Oakland Raiders wide receiver Javon Walker was found unconscious in an alley this morning by police, apparently the victim of a robbery and beating. But when they awoke him, they found him to be very upset at having an "awesome dream" interrupted. He elaborate to reporters back at the station after talking to officers. "Oh man, I was just about to make out with the Princess made of marshmallows! I had to slay an octopus whose 8 legs were all a different Baldwin, and I did it all in the nude. Daniel was the hardest to kill, in case you were wondering. Now after all that I finally get my chance at getting the Marshmallow Princess, and then you guys come and screw it up. That's just rude to wake someone up like that."

Police tried to explain to Walker they were worried about his safety after discovering him face down with bruises all over his body. "Look, maybe I got robbed and beaten into unconsciousness. But it's Vegas baby, they have agiant pyramid right next to a pirate ship here. Crazy things happen, and they gave me some soiled pants to use as a pillow. It was actually quite comfortable. The cops in this city need to learn to mind their own business. Now if you all will excuse me, I'm going to take a little nap partly because I want to find the Princess again, and partly because of blood loss. Goodnight everyone." At this point Walker fell face-first into the ground and the reporters slowed shuffled out of the room, trying their hardest not to wake him up.

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Rocco Mediate, the 45 year old who tied Tiger Woods on Sunday to force an 18-hole playoff yesterday, looked to be in prime position to score one of the greatest upsets of all time. He went toe-to-toe with Tiger for all 18 holes and was even winning by one stroke up until the 18th, when Tiger made birdie to tie it up again. The game then went to sudden death and everyone was braced for a tense couple of holes, but on the very first hole Mediate collapsed with an actual case of sudden death. It was a very anti-climactic end to the engaging contest, but Tiger fans in attendance were still pleased with the result. "I've been a Tiger fan forever, and we've seen him do about everything," said Jake Green, a Woods fan who came all the way from Texas to watch the tournament. "But now I can say I was there w