Vengeance

Fans of the Baltimore Orioles are celebrating today as their team leads the AL East for the third consecutive month. Baltimore, which has been an afterthought in the AL East for the past few seasons, turned it all around back in November when the standings were reset following division foe Boston's World Series victory. Since then they have held the tie-breaker and been atop the rankings, despite no games being played, because of their name being alphabetically better than the rest of the division.

"We are extremely proud of this team, and all it has accomplished over the past few months," said die-hard Orioles fan Gary Halbert. "Trading off our best hitter in Miguel Tejada, reducing payroll, getting a new manager with very little experience. This has been a great series of events, and I'm amazed we've been able to stay on top."

The success of the lower payroll Orioles over the Yankees and Red Sox has sent a message to other teams of the recipe for beating these titans. "We're thinking about changing the name of our city to Aaampa Bay," said Tampa Bay mayor Rich Gutierrez. "We feel this could really make us competitive in the offseason, when normally Baltimore dominates."

Controversy has arisen in Toronto, which is consistently at the bottom of the leaderboards during both the regular and offseason. They have actually passed a bill changing it's name to "!Toronto". Alpabeticists are unsure if this punctuation mark places them on the top or bottom of the standings. "We want a championship in !Toronto," said a member of their city council. "If you type our new name into a computer, it ranks it first. Therefore, we will emerge triumphant over the rest of the AL East."

"I'm going tonight to Camden Yards to watch the Orioles not play tonight," added Halbert. "It's gonna be a very tough non-game. With all the name changes going on, we're going to need to play well to have a chance to stay on top."

SportsComedian.com

When word of the trade of Johan Santana went through, the people in the Mets clubhouse knew they would have quite a lot of work to do. Santana is one of the best pitchers in the game, if not the best, and his addition to the Mets roster makes the established identity of the Mets a little less clear. Long known as the underachievers in the National League, despite one of the largest payrolls in all of baseball, New York could actually be good this year.

"Well, it's tough," said manager Willie Randolph. "It's a lot harder than people think to be able to waste all this talent we have on this team. When I was brought in, I was told what the objective was here in New York: keep on losing. People like lovable losers, and that's what we've become. No matter the payroll, no matter the acquisition, we always have to disappoint. That almost didn't happen last year, I had to manage us out of a big division lead over the last month of the season."

"He's gonna need some work," said pitching coach Rick Peterson while watching a video of Santana. "Look at that throwing motion, it's almost beautiful, flawless. That's not something we can have here, he's not going to give up enough homeruns doing that. We're gonna have to teach him some erroneous leg kick, maybe an underhanded toss, or even just have him kick the ball towards the plate. That's more like a Mets delivery."

"I bought Mets season tickets next year," said an outraged fan. "I was going to take my son to the games and show him that you can't always win in life, often times you lead the league in ERA and lose to a pathetic team like the Marlins. It was supposed to be a metaphor for life, and help him realize he should probably just give up his dreams, go to junior college, and manage a McDonald's. Now they could actually win! He's gonna want to play baseball, or be a molecular biologist or something! Damn you Mets, damn you!"

SportsComedian.com

For the past several seasons, New Jersey has functioned as a maximum security prison, where nothing but suck can escape. But one man is attempting to break free from the madness that is the Nets, that man is Jason "The Kidd" Plisskin. The one-eyed point guard is trying to solicit a trade from the team to a contender, although other teams seem reluctant to make a trade with the wasteland known as New Jersey.

"It's a scary place to send any players to," said a team GM that would like to remain anonymous. "Have you ever been to Newark? That place is disgusting man, they've got cannibals and gangs roaming the streets. It would have to be some players I knew were going to turn out awful, to subject them to that place. Maybe we'll draft some Duke guys next year, and then we can think about a trade."

SportsComedian.com