"I am not a battery! Never have been, won't ever be!" said Moss at his locker following practice. "This woman wants to call me an electrochemical energy storage system, and I will not accept this horrible insult. Where's her proof?"
The woman says the power went off at her home around 11:47 PM, and while her and Moss were waiting for it to come back on she picked up a flashight and attempted to turn it on. But apparently the batteries had run out, so it did not work. Moss then grabbed the flashlight and, low and behold, it came to life. The woman says she ran from the house and immediately called the police from a pay phone.
Moss, still at his locker and surrounded by reporters, threw a clock radio on the ground. "Alright, if I was truly a battery, I would be able to fit in this clock radio, right?" said an angry Moss. He then proceeded to try and stuff himself head first into the battery compartment of the radio. "See? I can't fit! Must not be a battery!"
An NESN reporter wasn't quite convinced. "Wait, that doesn't prove anything. Let's throw you in a river and see if you float! If you sink, you're not a battery, but if you do..."
"I think that's a witch actually," replied Moss
"How about we lick you? Batteries will shock someone who licks them," offered a CBS correspondent.
"No way in hell any of you are licking me," shot back Moss.
"I know! How about we go to the parking lot, hook you up to a car in place of a battery, and attempt to start the vehicle off you?!" suggested a reporter for the Boston Herald.
"Sounds very safe, let's do it."
Despite this interview happening last night, Randy Moss has not been seen or heard from since.