Vengeance

"I'm gonna make Gene an offer he can't refuse," stated Matt Stover, kicker for the Baltimore Ravens and the man who wants control of the NFL Player's Association. "Too long have we been playing under the old rules with Gene as head of the NFLPA family. It's time for a new boss to take over."

Cousin Matty, as he is called within the family, is lobbying to be the new head of the organization so that someone else can oversee the negotiations of the labor contract that is about to expire. It's expected Upshaw will cancel the current contract after the 2009 season, which will void the salary cap and open up some problems with the league's financials. "Big Gene been making deals with the wrong types of characters," continued Cousin Matty. "If he thinks that's going to be tolerated here in the family, he is mistaken. I've got some guys together and we think it may be time for him to step down, either through the easy way or the hard way. I don't wanna make any threats here, but let's just say if he doesn't play his cards right he could get whacked, by my kicking foot into his balls."

"Cousin Matty wants to come after me?" said Big Gene in an interview at his New York Italian restaurant, which is a front for the NFLPA family operations. "I'd like to see him try, my boys are more loyal to me than any cronies he could possibly dig up. If he wants to start a war, I'll give him one. I'll litigate him so hard he won't know what hit him. I've served men subpoenas written on mutilated fish heads before. He could find himself a bloody subpoena in his bed with him when he wakes up."

The family war could result in a vicious battle of nad-kicking and animal head stationary litigation. It will be interesting to see how it turns out.

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It was revealed in a screenshot from the post-game handshake given by Jake Peavy after his complete game 2-hitter against the Dodgers what many teammates already suspected about him, that he is not yet potty trained. "That guy always had the faint smell of sh*t about him," said teammate Adrian Gonzalez. "But he was actually good at his position, unlike most of our offensive players who hit like sh*t and smell like sh*t, so I was thoroughly confused. After being striking out with the bases loaded once again, I can just smell the crap on Michael Barrett."

As can be seen by looking at Peavy's right hand, he obviously has a few problems with using the restroom properly. To get to more on the issue we talked to Peavy's parents in Alabama. "It's true," said Thomas Peavy. "He just never took well to potty training, so we eventually just gave up. He was deftly afraid of toilets, and refused to go near them at all. So the only thing we could do with him was teach him to go in his own hand and then put it in a ziploc bag or something like that."

"Oh, it was so disgusting, I didn't know what we were going to do," said Diane Peavy. "We thought about maybe leaving him on someone's doorstep, or maybe exchanging him for a puppy. You're allowed to do that right?"

"Anyway, then he started playing baseball," interjected Thomas, "His feces-covered hands allowed him to throw a mean pitch I had never seen before. We called it the sh*tball, and it's a breaking ball with a little inside sliding action on it. But the real kicker to the pitch is that the rotation of the ball forces the smell of sh*t into the nose of the hitter before it gets there, making him turn his head away or yell "Ah! F*ck me!" and just swing at the ball to get it away from their face. It made for some vulgar little league games, but it also made him into the Cy Young winning all-star he is today. Everytime I hear a power hitter like Matt Holliday yell "Ah! F*ck me!" I just feel so proud of my little boy."

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After their 75-68 overtime loss and collapse to the Kansas Jayhawks, the Memphis Tigers were pointing fingers at the NCAA for making the free throws too easy a shot for their team to make. Despite hitting nearly 50% of their field goals in the regular season, Memphis' Achilles Heel has always been their free throw shooting, which cost them the title game in the final minutes as they could not sink 50% of them to save their season.

"It's a tough shot to make because it's so easy," said Memphis head coach John Calipari. "We practice harder shots like running 3-point jumpers. We even asked the ref if late in the game we could take a fall-away jumper from mid-court instead, but he said we had to stand on that damn foul line. That just doesn't seem fair, that thing is so close to the basket and no one is in your face trying to block it! But I don't like the whole system they have in place, the only way to win a basketball game shouldn't be only to make more baskets than the other team. What is that teaching out kids? That basket-maker is the only profession which will get you success in this world? Last time I checked there weren't many basket-weaving millionaires. Sportsmanship, defense, and which mascot could eat the other one in a real fight should all factor in to the outcome. I think we would have gotten the victory then."

It's back to the drawing board for Memphis after their record 38 wins, but failure to capture a championship. A note was found in their lockeroom after the Finals, it read "If anyone wants to take us on with real shots instead of these pussy free throws, we'll be back next season. Go s*ck a hawk d*ck Kansas. -Memphis"

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