Vengeance

Barry Bonds had 15 felony counts levied against him today by a grand jury for lying about using performing enhancing drugs during an investigation in 2003. There are 14 counts of lying under oath and one of obstruction of justice. Because Bonds has been unable to find a team to play for so far this year, and will be strapped for money following a long legal battle, he will be appearing on a new FOX reality show this summer called Full Counts.

Barry will be living in a house in Malibu with 15 of the most popular Counts from pop culture and around the world, looking for true love. Some of the celebrity Counts appearing on the show will be Count Dracula, The Count From Sesame Street, Count Dooku, and Count Chocula. They will go up against everyday Counts like Count Vanderflan of Italy and Count Bernoch of Germany. Bonds must chose one of them to be eliminated each week by giving them the dreaded tainted syringe.

"I'm just very excited about the opportunity to finally find a soul mate," said The Count in an pre-show interview with FOX. "I've spent my whole life counting things for kids, it's hard to find the time to date. Also, the fact that I'm a purple puppet doesn't help things much. Women just don't find felt attractive. And the puppeteer who operates me said he doesn't want anyone trying to have sex with the hole he has to stick his hand up every day. But, he has agreed to allow whatever happens with Barry to just happen, he'll pull his arm out or try to make some room in there. It's all very exciting, but probably not so much for him."

Count Chocula has said that this show will give him a chance to try something new. "It's been a rough life for me, I'm going to be honest. I come around on store shelves for only one month every year, and people see me sort of as this joke cereal. That *ssh*le Cheerios once threw me off the shelf at the store and then spit in my face. He said it was his aisle, and pretenders like me should get the f*ck out. That hurts. Right in my delicious chocolate marshmallow heart. Hopefully I can prove with this show that I matter as part of your balanced breakfast."

Barry Bonds is said to be in quite a depression about having to do the show for money, and indeed the first preview episode we were allowed to view showed an even angrier than normal Bonds. When he gave the first tainted syringe to Count Yurchickens at the end, he ripped into the Count for being nothing more than a lame pun. The other Counts had to console Yurchickens while he wept and collected his things to leave the mansion. It's unknown if this show will prove a ratings winner for FOX, but the prospect of seeing Bonds get romantic with a puppet, vampire, Star Wars character, and German noble certainly peaks our interest.

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Brett Favre has seen the tape of the retirements of Annika Sorenstam and Justine Henin today and says they were pretty good, for girls. "I like what they did with the whole, I'm so happy for all the support I've received from my fans and I'm happy to have had such a great career," said Favre. "But they really needed some more tears. That's how a man retires, with a boatload of embarassing tears and sobbing, maybe to the point where we can't make a comprehensive sentence. You need to think about all the years you spent out there with the boys, and how you'll never be able to take a post-game shower with them again. You just really miss the comraderie of the showers, and the smell of clean men ready to go back to their daily lives. You also think about how you sacrificed your ability to get hard because of all the steroids and supplements you took over the years. I'm tearing up right now just thinking about my flaccidity."

Indeed, much of the sports pundits are wondering why women's sports retirements don't receive the same fanfare as men's. Many say it's the lack of intensity in the female retirement game. "They just don't retire as hard as the men," said Jorge Rivera, a big retirement fan. "You look at a woman retire and you just feel so-so about it. But some of these guys train their entire lives for this moment. This is the time when they can get really pretentious and wax poetic about their selves for a good 30 minutes on national TV. It's just a better game, I can't watch the women do it."

Many are pointing to young golf phenom Michelle Wie as a woman who might be able to create successful crossover buzz to the female retirement game. She has been in the national spotlight since she was around 14, and could get a lot under her belt before a teary retirement in her 30's or 40's.

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Dodgers pitcher Hiroki Kuroda was seen flirting with a no-hitter for several hours on Sunday as Los Angeles took on the Houston Astros. It started in the first inning, when Kuroda struck out two of three and saw the No-Hitter sitting in a box seat by the home dugout. He gave her a tip of his cap, and a little wink. Things got a little more intimate during the third inning, after getting a couple groundouts, when he went over and bought the No-Hitter a drink. They chatted it up for a few minutes while his team built a decent 4-0 advantage over Houston.

As the game entered the 5th inning, and he was still getting play from the No-Hitter, his teammates began to get quiet around him. "Well, you just don't want to talk to a guy who is getting that close to a No-Hitter," said catcher Russell Martin. "We all know how hard it is to get with her, and trust me we have all tried. I've seen so many guys think they are on the doorstep of scoring with her, and then bam, you get knocked around. But, he was quite a gentleman to her, I really thought he was going to have a shot at taking her home after the 9th inning."

But while he made a valiant attempt to score the lady who is known around the league as one of the toughest catches, some major drama unfolded late in the game. After Kuroda took the No-Hitter into the 7th inning, on a nice dinner date, her husband burst onto the field and was enraged to find Kuroda after his wife. Complete Game, husband of no-hitter for the past few decades, was furious at his wife for even considering stepping out on him and dragged her out of the stadium. Needless to say, the Astros proceded to unload on the shocked Kuroda for an 8-5 win.

Despite the fact that Complete Game has been romantically linked to several players this season including Brandon Webb, and several encounters with Roy Halladay, he was still upset at his wife. "No one goes behind my back and after my woman," said Complete Game in an interview with Bob Costas. "And if they try that, my buddies Bat Around The Order and Blown Save are going to rough them up. You saw what we've they've to Eric Gagne recently, and that's just because I heard he once thought about going after my lady."

But in talking to No-Hitter, it's unknown what the future holds for her and Hiroki. "I might like to hang out with him again, he's cute," she said. "I don't know if I'll go all the way with him, as he can't really get strikeouts consistently. But maybe we can flirt again for a few innings. We'll see how it goes. Next time, I'll make sure my husband is out of town with another pitcher."

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